LONELINESS VS. ALONENESS / HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
An honest look at your relationships will tell you everything you need to know about your level of development. Are you able to have authentic relationships? Are your relationships phony? Are your relationships abusive? Are you using relationships to fulfill a hole in your being? Do you have an honest relationship with your SELF? Do you know what your true SELF is? Do you know the difference between loneliness and aloneness?
Those are pretty deep questions and they may not be the best place to start. So what can you do if you want to improve a specific relationship? One, you have to be aware that there is something that can be improved upon and/or willing to admit there is something “off” about the relationship. If you are here then I have some advice for you. This came from one of my teachers many years ago and I still use it regularly. There are 4 things you can do if you want to change a relationship.
You can do nothing. Stay in the relationship the way it is. This can be particularly draining and leads to lots of stress on all levels.
Work on the relationship WITH the other person. Either by talking with them directly or seeking a third-party. This can sometimes be helpful but often requires both people to be rather mature in their level of development, else it becomes a blame game. It is also critical to have a very skilled third party who has done healing work of their own (i.e. therapist, counselor, healer, etc.)
Work on your SELF. Very often as we change, the people around us change. This includes much of the psychological and spiritual work I have written about. Addressing core wounds from childhood, healing trauma, dismantling belief systems, identifying learned attachment patterns, illuminating and transmuting blocked and hidden emotions, connecting to the spiritual world via prayer and/or some form of spiritual practice, embodiment work and on.
End the relationship. Many people end relationships before addressing point 3 and very soon they will find themselves in a similar relationship with a different person and all of the same patterns are mirrored right back to them. And the cycle will repeat. How do you know when to end a relationship? Adyashanti says, “If you can accept love you will know when to stay with someone and when to leave them.” My interpretation would be that you can’t truly ACCEPT LOVE until you have gone through a process of self healing that includes what I mention in point 3.
As you heal, you will begin to see the true nature of the relationship and the relationship may END or it may be REBORN. Some relationships will grow in a way that you could never have imagined. Some relationships will end and you will know from a deep place that this is the right decision, even if it is quite painful. Some relationships will slowly fall away. Some of this will be very hard as it may include spouses, close family members and long time friends. This is part of the process. The level of division in this world is at an all time high and it has infiltrated every level of society and this reality. There are people that are going in one direction and people that are going in another. There are people that are resonating on one frequency and those resonating on another. Like attracts like and so you will start to attract different people into your reality. It may take time and there may be periods of loneliness but these will turn to periods of aloneness. Spiritual teacher Anthony DeMello spoke of the difference between the two. Loneliness is characterized by feeling unhappy and/or depressed that you do not have people in your life. Your happiness is dependent on another person. Aloneness is characterized by being at ease when you are alone, you are not waiting for anyone to come and make you happy. You are happy when people are around and you are happy when people are not around. Discernment is critical here because there are many people in the world, especially the spiritual community who retreat from people and say that they are fine and at peace, but put them around people again and see how triggered they become. I have been here and I am still here at times. Can you engage with people in a meaningful and non-judgmental way? Can you state your opinion in a calm and coherent way when asked and not feel the need to enter every single conversation to prove your point?
Authentic relationships are not ego to ego, where someone is right and someone else is wrong. There is a connection at a deeper level and when you connect on this level you can still have different opinions but since you are connecting from a deeper place, let’s say the heart or your essence, you are able to agree or disagree and be completely fine with that. I should say that these kinds of relationships are much less draining and far more fun. It can often be hard to find these kinds of people and at times you can find yourself slipping back into this egoic state where you are “better” than everyone else and no one is good enough to talk to. It is quite a game.
Much of the psycho-spiritual work necessary can be done alone, but it is really quite important to have someone close to you, usually that you live with, that is also engaged in similar work. We all have blind spots and a close partner is the best person to help illuminate them. Friends and co-workers can be helpful at times but these people often don’t know the YOU that we are trying to get in touch with, they know the version of you that you present at work or at social gatherings, etc.
I hope this was helpful and if you need any help engaging in the healing work that is necessary to improve your relationships, please email me. Also, whether we work together through one of my programs or not, if my words resonate with you, please contact me. I would love to connect with you and build a community of people moving in a similar direction in this world.